October 2015 Health Update

Journeyofahealer3

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– Thursday, October 1, 2015 8:26 AM
I got a good sweat on this morning so hopefully that will help with the terrible toxic herx!!

– Thursday, October 1, 2015 10:25 PM
I survived today! I pushed through and ignored the pain. I got to the appointment this morning to fix hubby’s CPAP, did a follow up for the essential oils, did a last minute massage on a client with a headache, helped the kids after school and let them play with the neighbors, then did dinner and a web conference for Ministry then got everyone in bed. I’m beat and struggling with the pain and am exhausted but I made it through. :)

– Friday, October 2, 2015 7:49 AM
I’m so angry this morning!!!! I’m so tired of waking up in SO much pain! And today my left knee and ankle are bad which is new. I don’t need new awful symptoms on top of other already bad symptoms!! I want to take the boys on the camp out tonight!! I don’t want to live in this broken body!! The only thing standing in the way is this body!! But I’m afraid that if I go it could really push my body too much and it could shut down. I’m barely hanging on right now. My body is a mess. I’m so sad :-( I’m so tired of living like this!!  I have no idea what I should do about tonight. I will feel bad whether I stay home or go… I will be exhausted and miserable either way. It could be worse if I go but how much better will I be if I stay home? I give up so much for this stupid disease!! I want my kids to not have to miss out on absolutely everything because of me!
I can not express the anger and frustration I have! Going seems the right thing to do but I may have to experience extreme pain for that sacrifice… Can I do it and not cry? Can I do it and it not stress my body so bad that I end up bedridden?
I’m going to take it moment by moment today… I already have a full day and so many responsibilities… Sometimes I want to just quit everything that I do for others so I can just lay down until I get well… but I’ve tried that and it didn’t cure me… And if I don’t have a reason to get up and keep going then I just wouldn’t. Oh to find balance so that I can heal and thrive in life.
Lord show me your way for me today! I’m so weak and broken everyday, I can’t do this life on my own. I need your strength and guidance. I HATE this disease! And there is nothing anyone can do about it! Even if I had a billion dollars it wouldn’t make it go away… maybe I could do less and have more help so I could focus on healing more but there isn’t anything that will take this away! This is a life sentence and I just have to stay healthy enough to function and live despite the pain and suffering!! I choose to keep living and not just lay down and let life pass me by!
If I sit back and wait to be well before I live then I will have no life!
I choose joy and life in the midst of all the tears from pain!! I can’t keep it together and I am a mess!! Sweat it out! Cry it out and then do today with a good attitude and great spirit of joy!! (Oh the agony is deep in my soul today… Oh being human is so devastating at times!)
OH heavy grieving for the body and life I want but cannot have.

Turn the pain off. Turn the pain off. Turn the pain off. Live today anyway. Don’t feel the pain. Pretend I’m living the life I always wanted! Find the joy in the little moments. Don’t let the pain overshadow and ruin everything! Find a life of light in the midst of the darkness and focus on that. That is what is worth living for! The light the flicker the tiny flame… find it and hold onto it and don’t let the darkness consume the light!
Hanging on to Joy for dear life… That is how to live!!

– Friday, October 2, 2015 10:30 PM
I made it! I got everything packed up and got the kids to the camp out! I just keep applying all different essential oils all day long to help me feel better so I could manage it! I kept it simple and only packed the bare necessities.

– Saturday, October 3, 2015 7:44 AM
To make sure my body didn’t lock up I took a double dose of Aleve when I went to bed last night and another double dose this morning. I’m REALLY NOT supposed to do that because in the long run it makes me worse and tears up my stomach. I can already feel it but I knew I had to do something so I could function through this weekend. It is nice to not be in excruciating pain 😉 that is a relief!

– Saturday, October 3, 2015 11:53 PM
Yay! I made it through today! I even survived the hike we went on! I had no idea what I had gotten myself into! There were steep hills and a ton of stairs and I think it was 2 miles! Crazy!  I was the slowest in the pack and my legs almost didn’t make it. They were so weak and shaky but I did make it!! So, pushing through and doing this for my kids was worth it! They had a blast! I carried my littlest one a lot but also had help from others. We made it! I may really pay for it this week but I’m excited I got it accomplished!
I also raced home got a shower and then went out to help at the Great Banquet. That was a lot of fun! So I did’t get home until super late and I have to say I felt pretty good today! I wish I could take pain meds and live with less pain or be healthy and live without pain. It sure does make my life seem a lot more shinier and happier! Too bad the meds hurt me and actually make me sicker if I take them too much!

– Sunday, October 4, 2015 10:03 PM
Today was tough but I made it through…. Church, doing a massage and having friends over for dinner. Overall it was a decent day. Tough but pretty good. However, I really needed a day in bed to recover and a day to get caught back up on laundry and house work. I’m taking my last meds tonight so I can get up in the morning so I can get everyone off to work and school in the morning… then I have to recover and get SO much done. My list from last week is still hanging over me!! I sure hope I can rest and work today even with my little one with me all day.
Oh I took dose 6 of the homeopathic this morning.

– Monday, October 5, 2015 8:09 AM
I’m alive and I got everyone off to school/work. Sweating it out now… My stomach and head are hurting from the pain meds this weekend. :-( I hate that I can’t take stuff for pain because it hurts me in other ways! Hopefully everything I’m doing will help me get off this plateau so I can move into being symptom free!! Oh how I want to be well! But I choose to live even with the pain!

– Monday, October 5, 2015 7:57 PM
I actually sat down and planned out my day today! It felt good to get back on track instead of just floating through each day. Plus it really helps me see why I can only fit so many things into one day. Scheduling my to do list into the minutes in my day helps me see how it will all fit and what won’t fit either. I am much more productive that way.
However, it was really disappointing that I had to sit down and then fell asleep during the time I was planning on working on clearing my old office out. :-/ I’ll try again tomorrow if I have time.

– Tuesday, October 6, 2015 8:04 AM
Ugh! I am so frustrated with waking up in pain that causes me frustration. It really sucks waking up every morning and having the first thought of “I hate my life!” Because of feeling bad. I immediately correct my thoughts and tell myself I don’t hate my whole life I just hate the pain… However, it still doesn’t stop that first gut reaction thought when I try to get up every morning. Then the next thoughts are… “I can do this. I can do this! I can do this.” My mantra every day to convince myself to get up and keep going and keep taking care of my family. No one knows the sacrifice I make each day of my life to just be out of bed!!

– Tuesday, October 6, 2015 9:36 PM
I’m really seeking and searching for what God’s purpose and focus for my life should be. I feel like my focus is being pulled in too many directions and I need to let more things go. I need to focus on exactly what is special to me and what only I can do. The rest I need to hire help for, delegate out, or give away completely. With my health the way it is I have lost almost all of the things I really enjoy and make me… Me. I can’t seem to fit it all in and I’m just spinning. There is just something not right. My life rhythm and joy is missing from day to day. I know I’ve been sick and had some bad days but overall there are things that I just really don’t feel fulfilled doing, which means I have a hard time getting them done because they don’t fill me up and make me excited. Then I also have no time to spend on the things I would love to do because other things are piled on top of me and I feel like I’m suffocating or drowning. It is really weird! I feel like I keep removing things off my plate and it still isn’t enough… It is really weird!
I am an overachiever who is reliable and dependable but because of my health and life responsibilities I am having trouble living up to that for other people and responsibilities. I’m tired of living like that. Everyday I am coming to grips even more that I really have an incurable disease that I will need to manage or think of so that I can stay high functioning and/or symptom free. I’ve been trying to push and excel and pretend I’m a 100% healthy person so that I stay consistent so that when I do become all the way healthy I will already be living that full productive life I want. But I’m realizing even more that that is kind of stupid logic because I may never be 100% and with extra stress I may not be able to get to 100%. Plus, if I can’t find balance in my life right now then I’m showing God I don’t trust him. His yoke is light and if I walk in His balanced way I will be able to live more on purpose. It doesn’t serve Him living stressed out and feeling like I can never keep up. I’m listening… Lord show me what is most important and what you want me to do with my days. I love you and want your peace and joy to permeate my life!

– Thursday, October 8, 2015 6:04 AM
Wow! Okay I did not expect this answer from God! But it hit my like a ton of bricks and slammed me in the face yesterday. It feels like my life is about to take a 180 and completely change! It is as though the decision was already made but I hadn’t seen the answer! Now that I’ve seen it I can’t UN see it! I am supposed to Homeschool my children! What?! Is this really going to balance out my life, fix the scheduling issues and make my purpose realized?? WO! This feels totally right and exciting plus crazy all at the same time. In my human brain it makes no sense that adding something to my plate would actually fix my full plate problem!! Totally crazy!! Right?! But now that I’ve seen this answer I am ready to jump in. I have no idea what I’m doing or how to get started but I’m ready!  I can’t explain the peace that I have about it. I can’t understand why God is giving this to me because I feel inadequate because of my health issues but if this is His idea I can’t fail. He will walk with me. Yesterday morning on the radio they were talking about living God’s purpose. If I could do anything and not fail what would I do? If God is behind this then I can’t fail! He will walk everyday with me! Also on Sunday the message was about making a slam dunk with things in your life because you let God pick you up and help carry you to the basket. I’ve had a lot of slam dunks in my life but only when God was helping me. The things I’m failing at lately must be because God is ready for me to move on from those things so He can help me slam dunk in other areas. Who knew it would be homeschool?!?! Okay… So now I have to figure out what in the world I’m doing and how to get started. Crazy stuff!!

– Monday, October 12, 2015 7:49 PM
It’s official! I have enrolled my kids in homeschool and am starting Monday and will not be sending them back to school after our fall break this week. I am totally at peace and excited for this new adventure. God is showing me that I can do this and that it is going to bless my family, so I’m doing my best to not focus on feeling inadequate or let myself get overwhelmed. I can do this with God’s help and if I do each day His way our lives will be blessed!

– Wednesday, October 14, 2015 7:53 AM
We have had a great visit with my parents this week. :-) We head home this morning.

So, I continued with the Plexus but still can not tell any difference at all. It has been about 45 days now so I will be requesting my money back soon. I hate that. I really wanted it to make a difference for me but Lyme Disease has made my body super complicated and this is not doing what I need. I like the taste of the pink drink and enjoy drinking it and actually kind of crave it but I can’t keep spending money on it when I’m not having any improvement from it. The bio cleanse and probio5 are both great products but they don’t seem to offer me anymore than what I have already been taking to help my gut health.

I really want to try and do the HCL protocol and build up to 30 pills at each meal but at this point there just is not enough money to go around. :-/
I keep trying to do the colloidal silver but I keep failing at that because I am not up to being consistent. But it keeps coming to my mind, I keep seeing posts about silver for Lyme and a couple days ago someone at my parents church asked if I used it. So, I am reminded that I bought the machine because I could make it for free and drink it everyday with no cost and it would assist my immune system and I could possible stay high functioning. So… with not much money to work with and something free sitting in my room that I’m not doing I feel ridiculous. When I get home I’m going to start back and be as consistent as possible even if it is annoying, not tasty and may cause herxing. I can do this!

I thought I packed the Borrelia/Babesia homeopathic to bring on my trip but I couldn’t find it anywhere so hopefully it isn’t lost and I can find it when I get home so I can continue on that and finish it out.

Maybe enzyme therapy, colloidal silver and essential oils will be a good combo for me. I plan to do more salt flushes and eat more whole foods to help take any burden off my digestion system. Different stress at home and a cheaper consistent remedy… maybe I can get off this plateau. 😉

– Saturday, October 17, 2015 8:49 AM
I told Hubby my plan for drinking the colloidal silver daily and my struggle to keep making it. He moved everything out to the living room and is going to help me stay on top of making it. Now I just need to stay on top of drinking it. Currently I am drinking 16 oz in the morning and 16 oz in the evening. The home made isn’t as strong as ones you can buy so I’m doing more. I’m herxing some but not bad just sweating it out 😉 I can do this… I can do this… I can drink it everyday for the rest of my life. I can support my immune system for free and do the work it takes!  Hopefully I can afford to buy the other things I need to support my body with supplements and oils so I can reach optimum health… Whatever that might mean for me with Lyme Disease.
After getting to take two naps yesterday I am feeling a bit more rested than I have been.

I have developed a loose plan for homeschool and already feel my stress level dropping knowing I won’t have to stress about getting my kids out to school on time each day. :-) And that we should be able to get school done and have fun too!

Now… To figure out when and how to work with homeschool and kids always around. 😉

– Sunday, October 18, 2015 7:15 AM
I’m starting to have anxiety and stress about whether or not I can do homeschool and work. :-/ This coming week I have a crazy schedule and lots of work responsibilities and we haven’t gotten into a routine or groove yet and that is stressing me. But I’m putting that stress and anxiety aside and remembering what God showed me. Yesterday my stress level had dropped and I was feeling great! Then I looked at my upcoming week schedule and it freaked me out because it is our first week of school at home and I have so much on the calendar I don’t know how I’ll fit school into it.
Then I realized that I’m not in a rush, I’m doing year round school and I get to set the schedule and routine! I don’t have to do this a certain way or have it fit into the same block of time each day! I can do this my way and make it work with our hectic lives and find a rhythm that works for the health of my body too.
So the upcoming weeks will be about setting house routines, expectations, rules and getting the kids used to doing school work at home. And will not be about how much we can get accomplished each day.
Tomorrow is kind of stressing me because it is the day I have to meet with the school and teachers to tell them. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I don’t want them to think badly of me. Cutting this relationship with the school makes me nervous because now it is all on me and I don’t have help. But then I remind myself that it was all on me before anyway and that my life and schedule was dictated by someone else. We can figure out how to do this well and have fun too!!

God showed me a vision of all day life long learning for my children where they learn life skills that will serve them all their lives. They will learn respect and integrity to have a high quality character. They will be creative thinkers and world changers because they will have no fear to think outside the box or to be themselves. They will develop a love for learning that has nothing to do with a test! They will learn compassion and team work. Life may be messy but it can be fun again!

– Monday, October 19, 2015 9:24 PM
I survived the day! My anxiety is less after spending half the day at the school finalizing the transfer to homeschool and then the afternoon working. My stress level has lowered again knowing we can do life and school in a way that works for us. Now to get some sleep :-)

I’ve been having a steady herx as I have been drinking the colloidal silver and doing the homeopathic. It hasn’t been severe but it has been tough. Hoping it lets up soon. The lemon and detox oil blend helps plus the sauna. Keep on keepin on….

– Tuesday, October 20, 2015 6:24 AM
Ugh! This herxing sucks! It seems to be pretty constant… Icky achy flulike symptoms constantly. I’m keeping Tylenol in me just to lower the level of the icky feeling. It’s awful waking up in the middle of the night really bad with it. :-/
Sweating it out, using oils and bentonite clay to keep moving in life!

– Wednesday, October 21, 2015 8:20 PM
I took my kiddos skating tonight! I crammed in a 10 minute power nap before we walked out the door so I could stay upright and my heart wouldn’t stress. Then I strapped on some inline skates! It was tough because I couldn’t bend my right knee far enough to get my foot in the skate but I finally managed. It took everything I had to stand up because my legs were so weak and painful.  No one knows… No one knew… No one could tell… That every move I made while skating was carefully calculated so that I could manage the level of pain coming from my feet, ankles, knees and hips. That holding my kids hands was terribly painful and that I had to concentrate to make sure they didn’t hurt me worse. My shoulders were hurting and weak. The whole time I had to focus hard on enjoying what I love to do. I love to skate and I love to be with my children. My determination to embrace and enjoy life will overpower the terrible pain. I have to live! I will not curl up in a ball and die because that is how I feel… I choose to truly live no matter what. People without Lyme don’t understand the extreme pain and the ability to keep living. There is no point in talking about it or complaining. They have no real understanding. It would be nice if they got it but instead of getting feelings hurt or wishing for extra compassion I live! I live! I cry about the pain and then I go live! Yes I cry and yes I laugh and live! This is a crazy mixed up human existence I live in!! 😉

– Friday, October 23, 2015 5:12 PM
Ugh! I totally caught a bug. I feel all feverish and my skin hurts and the pain all over my body is worse and I’m weak and shaky. In the middle of the night I was nauseous but essential oils came to the rescue for that!
Spending the day in bed was definitely not in my plans today. I had so much to do… But I guess a sick day it was. Taking the day off… hoping tomorrow is better.
I did a salt water flush this morning and a medi-magma detox bath today and drank bentonite clay too. Plus drank colloidal silver.

I put in a request for a refund for plexus. I’m sad because I don’t feel a difference. I really wanted to! I enjoyed the taste of the pink drink and I’m sure the probiotics and cleanse were great for me. But with this complex body problem I have I just can’t keep spending money on something that isn’t really changing my life!

– Saturday, October 24, 2015 3:27 PM
Being sick sucks!…. Being sick on top of Lyme REALLY SUCKS!!!

– Sunday, October 25, 2015 6:55 AM
I started feeling better enough to be upright last night but the flulike icky, achy, skin hurting symptoms were still going strong.
This morning I still feel horrible. I’m better than yesterday because the weak dizzy feeling is better so I can be upright but oh how I feel terrible still.
I’m going to see if I can sweat some of this out in the sauna this morning. I couldn’t get in the last two days because I was too sick and dizzy and weak. Oh to curl up and not move until this is over would be wonderful! But I don’t know what is extra sickness and what is herxing/Lyme…
I still got a few things done yesterday because I worked on my computer laying in bed and on the couch and did school lessons for the kids when I did feel good enough to be upright. It was great that my hubby could help so much and even do a science project too!

– Sunday, October 25, 2015 7:05 AM
First week of homeschool and life was definitely happening! But I have to say it was a success and we are finding a groove!
I had appointments and survived with the kids in the house! We got to enjoy a family skate night without the stress of strict bed times and early rising. That was nice!
We dealt with the tragic fruit fly infestation in my kid’s room. It was so bad we had to have the kids sleep in other parts of the house! But no stress because I wasn’t worried about strict bed times, getting up early and having lunches, homework, backpacks, breakfast and clothes all ready super early after the attack of the fruit flies!

Then we had a night where my little one woke up with a fever and I woke up sick too. :-( Up half the night and sick in bed all the next day unable to get my kids ready for school. But no worries! We homeschool! We took the day off of lessons and watched educational programming while I rested and tried to get back to the land of the living. Then another night of sickness for both of us and this night I just held her on the couch, applied oils and we slept the best we could!
Then hubby was home to help with school and a great science project! Later I was able to get in a few lessons late in the evening and then a fun music lesson before bed.

I have been herxing all week with flulike symptoms from Lyme Disease and then added on a yucky sickness on top of that. But we still did school and with the difficulty of my life I know we can still get it in even when things are tough and we can always do extra on the good days!

This week I have been very thankful that we homeschool!

I have a big plan for homeschool but this week we started with phase one. We did pretty good with phase one and have slowly added things in.  So this week I think we are actually into phase two. We are finding our groove and rhythm. We aren’t living on a schedule but rather a routine with goals to accomplish each day. So far that is what we need and what is going to work for us! No stress because we aren’t striving for perfection… Just progress!
We are breaking down walls, learning what makes learning fun and healing broken spirits. We might be outside the box and we might be weird but we are moving forward and learning in fun new ways! I’m excited for the fun and learning happening in my house! Building a culture of year round day in day out learning is happening already! Following the rhythm of life, mood and crazy schedule we are making something amazing! I look forward to all of it… dealing with the good and bad… but doing it as a family and getting through it together!

– Sunday, October 25, 2015 7:36 PM
I managed to pull myself together enough to go to church and give a massage this afternoon! I don’t like pushing through or putting on a show to live my life but many times that is just what I have to do. I choose to really live and not be grumpy. I can make other people’s day brighter and help fix them and get them out of pain. I can choose to do that or be a grumpy hermit, is what my body tells me I want. I’m not living a lie I am just doing my best to live!!

I never did get a refund with Plexus :( their customer service was overloaded and they never responded to my email and I couldn’t wait an hour on the phone for someone to talk to me.

– Tuesday, October 27, 2015 7:39 AM
Yesterday was pretty good. The pain and flulike symptoms weren’t as bad. I put in a long day and totally crashed out for a nap at 7:30pm. I was so thankful for my hubby’s help in getting the kids ready for bed because I just didn’t have anything left!

This morning the pain and icky flu like symptoms are cranked back up. I didn’t take any colloidal silver yesterday just in case it was causing the herxing symptoms… but I’m worse today than yesterday so that doesn’t seem to be it. So, I’m back to it today and sweating it out in the sauna. Maybe I’m worse today because I couldn’t get in yesterday. Probably. But then again with Lyme there seems to be no rhyme or reason most days!

– Saturday, October 31, 2015 8:54 PM
Tonight was Halloween so I let my sweet tooth indulge… as I sat there eating candy I could feel the ache and pain increasing in my shoulders, wrists, knees and hips. It was weird and disturbing. If over indulging actually makes the pain worse what does the small daily amounts do? Probably increase inflammation and make it all worse. But eating the perfect diet won’t cure me… And the fact that I have given up so much because of this disease makes it hard to give up sweets and comfort food completely. “I mean I would much rather go for a run but since I can’t I’ll just have a bowl of ice cream!”  Then if I can seem to deprive myself of sweets my body freaks out and I can’t think, I’m foggy brained and exhausted. So I cave again just so I can think. Maybe it is just a tiny piece of chocolate or some juice but I can’t seem to stick with it. I know if I could just get through 2 weeks it would be much easier but I can’t seem to make it through 3 days.
But after feeling what I felt tonight I’m thinking it may be worth it to live through the withdrawal symptoms! Maybe it won’t cure me but maybe just maybe the pain will decrease and the stress on my immune system will decrease so that I can finally get symptom free! Maybe just maybe!

Seriously?!? Why so much pain tonight?!? Oh this is awful! I really don’t need this!! Please Lord take this horrid pain away! Oh am I toxic? Herxing? What is causing this??
-Jessica

“Joy is the echo of God’s Love in your life!” There may be pain in my body and tears in my eyes but there is joy in my heart! I will not let the enemy steal my joy! I share so you don’t feel alone in your journey to health. I share so you know that you are loved by our Heavenly Father. I share so your heart can be full of joy no matter what! We are not home yet! Hang on tight to joy and share it with the world!

Live the Life You Want to Live!

 

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